The alarm rang at six this morning, I slowly got out of bed, put a pair of boxer briefs on and made my way into the kitchen to put a pot of coffee on. While waiting for the morning energy mud to brew, I head into my living room, start up Pandora, (Annie Lennox station is my favorite!) and I look into this big mirror hanging on the wall above the fireplace, and think to myself – ugh, I really don’t like what I see. I quickly fix my bed-head, flex a little and almost see myself begin to smile, but quickly sigh.
Before I was diagnosed with HIV, it was easy for me to feel good about what I looked like. . . posing for the cameras, people telling me all the time I am sexy and in general believing that I am just as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside.
Today is a different story. I have good days and not so good days when I look into the mirror. I feel like I am chasing after this “outer vanity” that society says one must possess to be considered successful or to even get noticed, and if I don’t possess ‘it’, I feel like I am shunned, tossed into a corner where no one will ever recognize me. Shallow right??
So I flex a little more, trying out a few more sexy poses, sucking in my cheeks – giving the model pose all I got to try and feel a little better about myself. Shallow again right??
I am stuck on the idea that if I don’t look good on the outside, how can I feel good on the inside? It’s a struggle, sometimes, getting comfortable in my own skin.
I practice self-affirmations to build my inner self-esteem, trying my best to ignore the idea that everyone is always staring at me – because they see the HIV, as do I, sometimes believing that I am ugly.
I know that it is the reflect-shine that must come from within to continue to believe in myself and that it is not the vanity that is important for me to succeed and be accepted. Easier said than done sometimes, I suppose.
Is anyone else struggling with this “vanity” addiction? Any words of encouragement? Am I alone in my thoughts?
I am Daniel, and I am living pozitively. Thank you for following my blog.