My trip went something like this. . .
I had just finished a mind-blowing performance in California. With my partner waiting for me backstage, we went back to our hotel room and popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the standing ovation from a sold-out-crowd. The kissing starts, the clothes come off and we are naked in bed enjoying each and every touch. The erection in my dick told me so. Then he whispers into my ear , "Oh Daniel, I want to make pure love to you . . . I want to be with you completely for the rest of my life. . . let's do it! Let's make pure love!" (or something like that, god only knows I was feeling amazingly tipsy from the bubbly enhanced by the naked sensuality).
So, let me tell you, the feeling of an unwrapped penis up my hole was sensational! Ohhhhh God it FELT sooooo good! And for the next six months every time was unprotected sex. . . no testing! Just sex! Lots of sex! He was the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with! It was the best monogamous(?) relationship a guy could ever ask for! (Or so I thought).
Long story short, I was tested. Two weeks before I learned of the shocking news, he had packed up his stuff, I came home from a rehearsal and he was gone. To this day never have heard back from him.
I guess what I am trying to say is . . . was this one drunken stupor of a night worth it. Did he even know, did I know? Honestly, it was my own stupidity that brought me to contracting the virus. I should have just hit the panic button! Told him to put the damn condom on and waited for both of us to get tested. Had his results come out positive, then we both would have known that unprotected sex could never happen. Love would have remained. . . we would just had to be a bit more vigilant in taking care of ourselves. Damn the bubbly! Damn the altered sensory in my mind to convince me to hop on the F**K-F**K train without protecting myself.
This whole thing was preventable. I chose NOT to say no and tell him to put the condom on. Today I am seeing this and hearing this all too often in all our various communities, (Gay, Straight. . . and everything in between).
HIV, while not a death sentence, I could have prevented contracting. Now, I am living with it - with 100% dignity and respect for myself. I know I have a long life ahead of me, but simply put, one stupor moment, in the blink-of-an-eye. . . for the rest of my life, I have to now be vigilant about taking meds, having blood checked, mapping out public restroom use (because the meds still 'eF' up my bowel system. . .) and much more.
So I am curious - why do people forget to hit the panic button before having sex. . . what message is NOT being communicated loud and clear that we should be sending to people about the risks of HIV/AIDS?
I wish we both got tested. A test that preserves lives whether you have it or not. I believe it is better to know, than to think you don't have it or don't know if you have it.
When is the last time you were tested?!?
Is this message loud and clear?
I am Daniel and I am living pozitively. Thank you for following my blog.
P.S. We all need more voices and friends in the fight against HIV/AIDS - both awareness and prevention. Help me be a larger force and voice in this journey - join me on facebook and follow me on twitter.
You continue to amaze me with your strength and willingness to share your personal experience. I agree that it happens way to often then not that unprotected sex occurs and with today's youth protected sex needs to be shouted from the roof tops. Being a mom of 8 I preach and supply condoms to my children. It is their private life, be it with a man or a woman or what ever they please is up to them but I want them to be safe. I commend you for your Blog and your words of wisdom. You get a standing ovation in my book now as well.
ReplyDeleteDaniel,bravo to you for keeping the message going! Your honesty WILL help to drive the message home to the next generation. LET'S PROMISE TO CLINK OUR CHAMPAGNE GLASSES WHEN THEY ANNOUNCE THE CURE.....LOVE YOU....MARTY
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that I've heard from more than one friend in a long-term relationship tell me that after a give time period (6 months, 1 year, whatever), they decided to stop using condoms because they supposedly trusted each other enough at that point, wanted that supposedly amazing bareback feeling, blah blah blah. IIRC, that was even the decision of one of the characters in the show "Noah's Arc".
ReplyDeleteMy response to this has always been: "are you crazy?". Isn't 6 months or a year just when people are starting to get bored in the relationship and look outside to cheat? It strikes me as the perfect time to keep the gloves on.
I'm negative, and my life plan is to aaaalways ALWAYS use condoms for anal sex, no matter how long the relationship lasts. Maybe I was lucky in my longest relationship (3 years) that my boyfriend didn't mind always keeping condoms on perhaps precisely because he was cheating on me, haha. Perhaps with a future partner who would get defensive about it ("you want to keep using it because you don't trust us!"), I will either have to a) explain that unwittingly give me HIV is a bigger sin than cheating on me or b) just give him the boot. I know, harder said than done. Though in the few cases where I've been with a guy in the heat of passion, and we didn't have a condom, and he's suggested the possibility of bareback, in no case has the guy ever gotten upset when I've said "no, sorry, we'll just have to do other things instead". Granted, those have mostly been one-night stands (haven't had a boyfriend in a while).