AFRAID to get back into HIV care: WORST MISTAKE I ever made!

Forget the dizziniess, puking, diarrhea and other wacko-side-effects that come with starting the once-a-day antiretroviral (ARV) pill Atripla (um - this is my experience, I have friends who are fine with this ARV);  it was when the killer whales came out at night swarming the wooden raft I was trapped on in the middle of the black sea; [me] deathly afraid as they smashed the corners of the raft trying to get me to roll into their death-jaws; AND THEN WAKING UP BREATHING DEEPLY DRENCHED IN SWEAT; that made me think twice about popping this pink sucker daily ever again! These effects. . . these wicked evil dreams went on for weeks. . . I couldn't take it! I simply just couldn't take it anymore! So I stopped.

Fact is when people asked me if I was taking my meds (after I stopped) - I lied. I told them I was. It was none of their business and I certainly didn't want to hear the damn lectures about the importance of taking HIV meds. ["Blah, Blah Blah in my head!"] I had big muscles, my diet was good and after my first blood checks, I was undetectable. So there was no need (or so I thought) to have to go through the hell of getting past the side-effects of the medication anymore. I "took control" of my own health (meaning stupid-in-my-head-kicked-in) and I stopped taking the pill. As long as I could see big muscles on the outside, I figured my insides were okay. Besides, I figured if this one medication had all these side effects I could not handle, all the rest must be the same; so there was no reason to even ask my doctor for another dose [prescription] of punishing.  So in plain-jane-terms. . . I said to myself,  "Fuck-it! I am done!"

In a previous post I talked about my baby brother Andy and his struggles; I share the story about when he called me [back in 2010] and I had to rush to the hospital because he told me that the doctors were about to intubate him (he refused to take meds - back then AZT); he couldn't breathe on his own. He couldn't handle the med's side-effects. He asked [begged] me to not let the doctor's do this to him. He wanted to just die.He was done fighting for life. When I arrived I was too late - the tubes were inside him; However, even the doctor's told me it was too late - even with the tubes inside him; with PCP and so many other complications his body would not win. Regardless, I had to honor Andy's wish and have the tubes pulled out of him. What was really scary for me was the very moment my eyes laid upon him. I froze! OMG!!!!!! I thought I stared death [my own death] in the face! I was now truly afraid - sooooo afraid - to tell anyone that I had stopped my medication. I was ashamed.

Early June 2011, I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance as a result of various health complications; following tests and more I learned that my t-cells had crashed. UGH!!!!!! I figured there was no saving me now. I figured I would become just like Andy. DEAD so early in life. Man was I scared shitless!

REALITY!!! The doctors told me I still had a fighting chance, but only if I stayed in care; it was my choice to make. So I dropped the ego, let go of my fear and listened! I took an active role in following direction and I started on new meds. Truvada / Kaletra cocktail. Once I got past the puking and "shit" (literally) and saw my t-cells climbing and my viral load decreasing, man did I ever feel better about myself. 1-year later I have managed to get back on stage, live my dreams and fight for every fiber of life I have with which I have been blessed.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to be back in care and living a VERY HEALTHY lifestyle. I am living like I have never before. Every 3-4 months I go to get my blood checked just to make sure things are still good; I am beyond anal retentive about taking my meds in the morning and night! Actually I now freak out if I am an hour late! HA! That's how important I now realize it is to maintain regular care of living with HIV.

With all this said, I hope others - out there - who have dropped out of care; including those of you who have stopped taking meds - no matter the excuse- that you - ALL OF YOU  - will reconsider!

If my blog and personal experience is not enough, then this coming Tuesday, I invite you to join me as I sit on a panel for a Partners In+ Care webinar session to learn about the importance of staying in care. YOUR LIFE MATTERS! SO PLEASE JOIN ME IN RETURNING. . . COMING BACK TO MANAGING YOUR HEALTH CARE.

Here's the info:

Partners in+care Webinar Series
Reaching Out to Keep Our Friends in Care
Tuesday, September 18, 2012 at 4:00pm ET


Agenda: We all know people who know their HIV+ status, but are not in care. How do we work with our friends, family, lovers and others to make sure they get into and stay in care? Tyler TerMeer of the Ohio AIDS Coalition will talk about his experiences in working with loved ones on staying in care. In addition, we will have a panel conversation to flush out issues why our loved ones are not in care and how we can respond to make sure they lead happy and healthy lives. The panel includes Dr. Loida Bonney of Emory University College of Medicine and Daniel Bauer of Living Pozitively in addition to Tyler TerMeer!

Dial-in#: 866.394.2346
Participant Code: 394 154 6368 #
URL: http://www.nqcqualityacademy.org/incarecampaign/

I hope this post inspires at least one person living with HIV/AIDS to consider the importance of getting back into care. I hope you will join in next Tuesday and chime in [or simply just listen]!

I am curious - has anyone else stopped care? Why? And what did it take for you to get back into managing your HIV care? I want to hear from you!

I am Daniel and I am living pozitively. Thank you for following my blog!

p.s. I encourage everyone to JustGetTested! Sex is fun! Infection is not!!

FIGHTING STIGMA: HIV and the past.

I came a across these words this morning written by Kate Raidt "I don’t think there is a single person on planet earth who has not experienced trauma, heartbreak, verbal, emotional or physical abuse, failure, humiliation or grief. In fact, most of the most important and successful people in the world have experienced all-of-the-above in doses most of us could never imagine. I heard long ago: It’s not what happens to you, but how you handle it that defines your character. Repeat after me: I cannot change the past. I cannot change the past. I cannot change the past. I cannot change the past. I would never ask anyone to simply “Forget the past. Get over it. Suck it up”. We are human beings and unless you have a brain transplant it is impossible to forget the past. I feel in order to get through an event that has emotionally or physically crippled you, you must acknowledge it, embrace it, learn from it and use it as motivation to make your dreams come true. How in the world can someone use something tragic and motivation to be successful?"

As an entertainer and activist, I am trying to find the balance in life that both embraces my passions and dreams while fighting stigma. However these past couple of weeks have had their trials and tribulations which I am finding to be more upsetting than most times. So I thought I would write about it and ask for your advice to help me get through this.

See, this past July I performed a show for an organization; I was referred to them by a former friend. After entering into a verbal agreement and confirming some details via emails, the organization is now backing off their end of the bargain. I decided to possibly pursue small claims legal action and when I communicated this, the organization decided to take my past and use it against me to start a smear campaign.

Living the life of a public figure is NOT EASY. There are good days, bad days, good press and bad press! I thought airing my dirty laundry, would allow me to move past my past, while standing tall about the kind of life I want to live today and rebuild hope so that I can walk with dignity. As the words clearly stated above, we are not all angels in this world! I have done my fair share of crap! I even publicly talk about some of that so that others who may feel that a fresh start is not possible. . . would also discover hope and start living their lives with genuine purpose to make a difference in this world.

Well, yesterday, a few HIV Activists, trudged up an unfortunate article that was written about me, and they decided to launch a smear campaign against me. Stating "Now the real truth about Daniel Bauer is out." These are activists who I have done amazing things with this past year. Activists, some of whom unfortunately I no longer speak with. Partly my fault, partly their fault.

While I am not happy about things that have happened in my life well over 10 years ago since my diagnosis, or other bumps and bruises that took my place in my life, I have owned up to them; each and every day. I am just stunned that because I felt the need to protect an agreement that was made (and maybe this is Karma - because I have certainly broken my fair share of agreements in the past) - that this organization who backed out on their agreement and individuals associated with this organization felt it was okay to take this one article written about me, post it all over facebook and begin this negatively launched smear campaign against me.

To those of you who picked up the phone to begin this childish campaign and to those of you who posted the posts and so forth; "Go ahead and do what you need to do. . . while I am not proud of my past. . . I am proud to be who I am today. . . proud to inspire people to reach for the stars, proud to be open about living with HIV and proud of myself for not allowing anyone who tells me otherwise to keep me from living with dignity."

To those of you HIV Activists who felt it was okay to do this. . . I hope you think about what kind of lives you want to live. I aired my dirty laundry - and now you choose to use it against me when I am public about the dark days I have overcome?!? Simply not cool!

So readers I guess what I need is. . . is some advice . . . how would you get past this? How would you handle fellow HIV Activists who felt the desire to try and bring you down because of your past?

Thank you for reading. . . and thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.

I am Daniel and I am living pozitively.

P.S. Remember - Knowing your status is "SMART" - so Just Get Tested!!!

Sex is fun. . . Infection is not: Why I stand 100% with JustGetTested.com

The biggest mistake I made in my life (well I should say one of the biggest. . .) is that I auto-assumed my partner back in the day was negative when he told me in a drunken stupor romantic whisper he was.  . . accompanied by "I LOVE YOU. In fact I auto assumed I was negative too! Neither of us tested. . . both of us engaged in sex without protection.

Reality is if we had been tested, we both (or at least I) could have made a smarter decision about how we chose to have sex. I could have prevented becoming infected with HIV.

Every three months I get my blood tested to make sure I am doing what is necessary to maintain a healthy lifestyle; to ensure that the antiretroviral medication prescribed is still working and to ensure that my diet is on target. While sometimes it is a lot to manage. . . knowing is key! Oh! And yes, I still have sex. . . and still get tested regularly for STD's and the such. . . and if you are having sex. . . you should just get tested too!

Now, with all this said, while I am on a firm mission to do my part to reduce HIV/AIDS stigma by living my life; reclaiming my dream and passion in life as Houdini's successor; I have found it also equally as important in my message to encourage and educate as many people as possible about the importance of just getting tested.

SEX IS FUN!!!! INFECTION IS NOT!!!! This is why I am officially announcing that I have teamed up with JustGetTested.com - as their new face for HIV Testing!

Now I want to make it clear - JustGetTested is more than just about HIV and STD testing. Those of you living with diabetes and those of you who need easy access to getting simple / complete overall health blood tests done. . . then JustGetTested.com is for you.

So without further due. . . please help me welcome the one company I stand 100% behind when it comes to getting tested. . . JustGetTested.com!! <applause>

JustGetTested™ was created to provide a way to get fast, reliable, confidential and affordable HIV and STD testing.

The philosophy behind JustGetTested is that more and more today, each of us needs to take our health into our own hands - to be aware of what's going on with our bodies and actively involved in making healthcare decisions.

"The healthcare system today isn't working for patients, but it's not working for doctors either," says JustGetTested Medical Director Edward Salko, DO. "By giving individuals direct access to important information, we're giving everyone a huge advantage. Empowering the individual is an important step in building trust within the healthcare world."

One of the goals of JustGetTested is to reach out to individuals who don't have access to affordable STD testing, feel excluded by the system, or for whatever reason are uncomfortable going to a doctor or clinic.

Treating each individual with respect and compassion, we want to remove the stigma from STD testing.  We can provide a way for those without medical insurance - as well as members of the LGBTQ community and anyone who practices a high-risk lifestyle (including performers in the adult film industry, sex workers and IV drug users) - to have some control over their healthcare decisions. We keep our overhead low and our costs competitive so that we can be sensitive to the needs of all our customers, including those with chronic conditions who need regular testing and monitoring. 

JustGetTested.com is a safe place to find out what you need to know when it comes to HIV and STDs.  Just order online, pay the lowest prices possible, then make a quick trip to a lab to have your blood drawn. You'll get your private results online. 

It's one simple way to take charge of your own healthcare.

Just Get Tested.  Because Sex is Fun… Infection Isn't.

ORDER YOUR TESTS TODAY! CLICK HERE!

I am Daniel and I am living pozitively!! Thank you for following my blog!

Jump On Board with HashTag HIV Photo Challenge

In the month of July we are asking you to jump on board with POZ I AM Radio & HashTagHIV and participate in another HIV/AIDS Awareness Photo Challenge. This month we are asking you to snap a photo of yourself and the #HIV Tweeter on Board sign. (see left)

Be Creative...
Be Original ... 

Be a Trend Setter!!

What is a HashTag?
The # symbol, called a HashTag, is used to mark keywords or topics in a Tweet. It was created organically by Twitter users as a way to categorize messages. Hashtagged words that become very popular are often Trending Topics. That is our (the Hashtag HIV Team) Goal to make #HIV a Trending Topic for the very first time in world-wide history!

What is HashTag HIV ?
HashTagHIV is a Global Initiative to trend the #HIV on Twitter for the first time ever in history during International AIDS Conference. The goal is to trend #HIV and re-engage the community and re-ignite the conversation about# HIV. You can help us by following @HashTagHIV and by adding #HIV to your tweets.

How do I Submit a Photo?
You can upload your photo directly to the HashTagHIV FB page. It is that easy ! Once it is uploaded to the page your submission is complete. You can also submit your photo by tweeting them to @HashTagHIV on Twitter.

Robert's Photo

What are the Rules?
The only rules are that the photo must include the #HIV Tweeter on Board Sign and the person submitting the photo. Photos can only be submitted by individuals. Yes we love group shots but the prize for this challenge can only be rewarded to a singe individual. So any group pics submitted will not be considered to win the prize.

Jeromy's Photo

How is a winner decided ?
The winner of the challenge will be chosen by a panel of 8 Judges which include the HashTagHIV Team (Kevin Maloney,Robert Breining, Daniel Bauer, Aaron Laxton, Michele Anderson and Jeromy Dunn), Maria Mejia (our last photo challenges winner) and Butch McKay of AIDSOASIS. The winner will be chosen based on mixture of creativity, originality and Likes. We take the number of likes into consideration but the winning photo is not chosen solely on likes.

Daniel's Photo

When is the winner announced?
The winner of this challenge will be announced live and the winning photo will be showcased at the International AIDS Conference in Washington D.C. during Daniel Bauer's World-wide premiere of his show Beyond Belief. The winner will be notified beforehand to make sure he/she can accept the prize.


What's the prize?
The winner of this challenge will be awarded a single Scholarship to the Positive Living 16 Conference that takes place on March 8-10 2013 in Fort Walton Beach,Florida. The Scholarship includes Registration, 3 nights lodging and all meals. Please NOTE - The scholarship prize does not include airfare or transportation to Ft. Walton Beach Florida.

The photos included in this post were created by the HashTagHIV Team members to provide some inspiration for your photo. So Go Ahead! "Camera. . . Ready. . . Trend!!" Submit your photo today.

I am Daniel - and I am living pozitively! Thank you for following my blog!

Just Get Tested: June 27 is National HIV Testing Awareness Day

Ladies and Gentlemen. . .  it's that time of the month to JUST GET TESTED!! June 27, 2012 is National HIV Testing Awareness Day. There are a lot of people who might (in fact I know are. . .) afraid to ask their doctor to run STD Tests. . . so I have teamed up with JustGetTested.com to help you access a 100% confidential and affordable way to Get Tested.

The goal of Just Get Tested is to provide an affordable confidential way to order blood tests without having to visit a doctor’s office. With their easy-to-use system, you simply create an account, order whatever blood test you want, find the closest LabCorp location on their location page, have blood drawn, then log back into their secure password protected server to obtain your test results. Your results are yours to keep or share with your sexual partners, healthcare providers or anyone you want. It’s your information. No one else has access to your results unless you choose to share. 


I wanted to magically make it even more affordable for anyone who might be interested in online testing. . . so if you do order your tests online with JustGetTested, be sure to use the promotional code: HOUDINI for an additional 5% off!


If you are having sex. . . you are at risk. . . so please get tested! Know your status!


CLICK HERE TO JUST GET TESTED!!


I am Daniel and I am living pozitively! Thank you for following my blog.

An Inside Look: Beyond Belief preparations for opening night - June 22 - New York City

These past few weeks I have received a lot of emails and private Facebook/Twitter messages with some pretty cool questions from folks asking for additional inside-look details about my new show Beyond Belief; so I thought I would take this moment to answer some of those questions. Here goes . . .

Why the name Beyond Belief?
Ever since I was a kid I was always fascinated (ya know the mouth-opened really wide kind of fascinated) by magic. Especially when the magic was done up close - like right in front of my eyes! Now combine my true love of life for magic and escape with all the blood, sweat and tears I endured to become the successor to Harry Houdini, touring the world - my dreams all coming true!! AND THEN. . . losing everything in the blink of an eye because I shockingly learned I am HIV positive which then became the "silent-reason" for a sponsor to back out of a commitment - I became a liability. Wanting nothing more than to die and everything in between and after. . . the only two words I knew that could sum all of this up are "Beyond Belief."

What makes Beyond Belief unique in the fight against HIV/AIDS?
I believe (don't quote me on this. . . ha!) I am the only openly gay, HIV positive escape artist and magician. There are some incredible warriors out there doing their thing. . . Jamar Rogers, Robert Breining, Dab Garner, Jeromy Dunn and Sean Strub to name a few. . . all whom I utterly look up to! How I differ. . . well we all have the same drive and passion to combat stigma, fight criminalisation, comfort newly diagnosed, and help drive the forces to finding a cure / vaccine. The more stories of success that go public for all to witness the better the world heals in our common fight! My difference is I am challenging my own physical and mental capabilities and putting it all out there with Beyond Belief.  This is just the start. . . it is my unique way of telling ALL of my story and how I have been able to pull through the depths of hell to realize my life is sooooo worth fighting for. Oh yeah, and I don't think any of the warriors I mentioned get tied up and throw themselves in water tanks while in straight jackets! he-he!  I think that's pretty unique!

What can people expect if they attend Beyond Belief?
Well anyone who buys tickets to attend the show can expect to be inspired (I hope) with stories of loss, survival and triumph about my life and those around me living with HIV/AIDS as I share a collection of short stories about overcoming some intense moments in life from laying eyes on my very first magic kit to nearly ending my life through addiction, suicide attempts and finally what it took to get where I am today. I am a 10 year warrior of HIV. . . trying to wrap up 39 years of life in a 90 minute experience! ha! It's gonna be a whirl wind of an emotional roller coaster all creatively weaved through the arts of magic and escape!

Is this a "Las Vegas" type magic act?
Nope! Beyond Belief is about the story, while I can assure you the magic I perform is pretty sick and there is one escape I will perform where death could be the outcome. . . there will be no smoke, no mirrors and no silly theatrical mechanics to wow ticket holders! The magic is real! And so are the escapes! The cool thing is I will engage the audience 150% throughout the show! "Two director's chairs, an old magic trunk and pure darn brilliant magic and escape. . .  now that's real Houdini stuff!" (-me)

How do you train for Beyond Belief?
Most people may not know, but I am 100% self trained in the arts of magic and escape. Since I decided to get back on stage and live my life. . .and never give up on my dream of reclaiming the Houdini legacy ever again, I have been very anal retentive about taking my meds, strict exercise and strength building training, diet and overall healthy living. My muscles are not for show! (ha!) Getting tied up and getting out is no easy task - pure human cunning.

What are your plans after Beyond-Belief?
This show is just the start of what is to come. I am currently training to attempt Piranha Peril, the death-defying escape I was training for and going to debut 10 years ago. . . until 'they' labeled me a liability! Kind of ironic that I am going back into a pool of 'piranha' - but this time I [my dreams] will make it out alive and not be eaten up!. Ultimately I want to show everyone / anyone living with HIV that with the right diet, adherence and lifestyle you can . . . you will live a long and healthy life. Every year I hope to attempt a brand new totally original escape. .  marking another year of success where I have escaped the stigma (and assumed physical limits) of  living with HIV. Nothing is going to stop me this time - certainly not my HIV nor the the fear others still may have about HIV.

Will Beyond Belief appear anywhere else outside NYC?
My hope is that this show will run for sometime here in NYC. However I am thrilled that Beyond Belief is already slated as a marquee event at the International AIDS Conference - specifically for the AIDS 2012 REUNION program. Additionally, Beyond Belief will be touring to benefit other organizations. For example this August, Beyond Belief is heading to Jacksonville, FL for one night to benefit DAB the AIDS Bear Project! 

Where can people go to buy tickets?
Simply visit www.livingpozitively.com for show dates, to buy tickets and much, much more.

Well, I think those are all the questions that came in. . . if anyone else has anymore questions about Beyond Belief, feel free to leave a comment here and I will happily reply!

I hope anyone living in the NYC area will come out to experience Beyond Belief! Together we will make a difference.

Thank you for following my blog! I am Daniel and I am livingpozitively.

Reigniting the HIV/AIDS Conversation = TeamWork: @HashTagHIV Campaign

T-E-A-M-W-O-R-K!!! Yes that is what is going to create the most effective, super-global vaccine to END AIDS during this generation.

Listen, I get it! We are all doing our own thing. . . outreach, prevention, testing and much more. Kudos to all of you who are getting their hands in the mix of the work that is necessary to care for those living with HIV/AIDS and necessary to educate those not living with HIV/AIDS to prevent contracting this virus and other STI's / STD's as well as to combat stigma and to get tested!

On a serious note. . . I hear the following being repeated a lot (in fact I hear myself saying this too) . . . "UGH! Why, why, why is HIV/AIDS conversation swept under the rug? Why is no one talking about it anymore? Why has our nation. . . why has the world gone quiet on this epidemic?" And then we point the finger of blame. . .

So, rather than being one of the cooks in the kitchen complaining about the problem by pointing a finger, I have decided to team up with five other incredible HIV/AIDS activists/advocates to begin a global trend setting Twitter initiative and our vision is to reignite the conversation of HIV/AIDS: HashTag HIV: Let's Trend Until the End. Reality is, I need to point the finger back on myself, because I have not been much of a team player, because for too long I was doing my own thing. It is time for me to make a change and become a team player and that change starts right now and I hope you will follow.

(Top: Kevin, Mitch, Aaron; Bottom: Jeromy, Daniel, Robert)

Many of you probably know who we are: There is me - Daniel Bauer (escape artist and founder of LivingPozitively.com), Robert Breining (Founder and Host of Poz I Am Radio / Social Network), Jeromy Dunn (Founder of PozitivelySpeaking.com and Co-host, Poz I Am Radio), Mitch Knapp (HIV Activist in the rural south), Aaron Matthew Laxton (YouTube super-star and founder of My HIV Journey), and Kevin Maloney (Founder of Rise Up to HIV and an employee at Community Access National Network).

So what's #HIV: Let's Trend Until the End all about: We believe as a team that millions and millions of people are using Twitter to quickly disseminate information about the hottest topics people are talking about! We believe that together, as a community, we can set #HIV, #AIDS as a Twitter trend catapulting awareness back to the top of conversation around the world!

So here's where you come in. . . it's time to become a team player. During the week of the International AIDS Conference (July 22-27, 2012 in Washington, DC) we are asking everyone with a Twitter account to consistently and frequently use the hashtags: #HIV #AIDS, #AIDS2012 and #IAC in all your Tweets. If you do not have a Twitter account, maybe it's time to get one, even if it's just for the purpose of helping to set the trend. You can simply go to www.twitter.com and sign up!

The HashTagHIV Team will be Tweeting from now on (and forever) to help set this trend. . . so please follow @HashTagHIV to get the latest information, updates and stats about how we are doing! Also, please, please add yourself to the HashTag HIV Facebook event to let the world know you and/or your organization is signing up as a team player!

Reality is we [six guys] can't do this alone. YOU. . . YOUR ORGANIZATION. .. YOUR FRIENDS are going to be the key elements of making this CAMPAIGN A SUCCESS!

So TEAMWORK - ACTIVATE! Let's Set the Trend!!!!  Together we will reignite the conversation about #HIV #AIDS!

I am Daniel, and I am living pozitively! Thank you for following my blog.